Free Drinks. Fast Service. Heavy Pours. Long-Time Bartender Joe McGuirk Tells You What It Takes to Get VIP Treatment
AS TOLD TO DAN ZEVIN
Joe McGuirk, 34, tends bar at the trendy B-Side Lounge in Cambridge, Mass. He's poured professionally for more than eight years at many of Boston's hottest restaurants and clubs.
Everybody
who walks into a bar wants to be treated like a regular. The truth
is, it's not hard to become one: Drink here three times in a month
and I'll consider you a regular. But even if it's the first time you
set foot in the bar, if you tip me well and treat me with respect,
you become a regular for the night. On the other hand, if you treat
me like I'm a bottle-opening machine, I'll treat you like you're a
drinking machine.
I'll go out of my way for customers I like. I can send over appetizers or drinks on the house, and I can get your name to the top of the waiting list at lots of restaurants in town. The other night, one of my customers told me he had a new girlfriend he was trying to impress, but the place he had in mind for dinner was booked solid. I said, "Hang on; let me call a friend who works there." I got him a reservation just like that. But I can get you a lot more than reservations: Bartenders meet everyone from investment bankers and lawyers to band managers and coke dealers. Some bartenders can tell you who to talk to if you want stock tips; some can tell you who to talk to if you want to get laid.
Of course, if you act like an asshole, I can also make your gin and tonic taste a lot more like tonic. I know bartenders who spit into drinks or short-pour customers who stiff them. Personally, whenever I get someone who's rude, I go out of my way to make him wait. One time, I watched this really well-dressed guy leave his table, shove his way over to the bar, and demand drinks for his party because his waitress hadn't taken his order yet. That guy could have given me 20 bucks for every drink and I'd still have pretended not to see him. You don't cut the line at the bank, and you don't cut the line at the bar. Money doesn't buy you the right to be rude.
In a
crowded bar, where you stand determines how fast you get served. Get
as close as you can to where I mix drinks, not where I serve them.
But don't block the service area where the wait staff's getting the
drinks I've lined up, and don't stand in front of a beer tap, since
I won't see you over the handles. Once you've found a spot, get my
attention with eye contact. But realize that I don't always have
time to take care of you the second I notice you looking at me.
Basically, whoever I notice first gets served. And frankly, the
people I notice first are customers who've tipped well in the past.
After that, I'll probably notice a tall, attractive woman -- another
reason to stand next to one, right?
If the place is mobbed and you can't get near the bar, you can raise your arm like you're hailing a cab. Holding money is a good idea -- some bartenders respond faster if they see a bill in your hand -- but waving it is a bad idea. You're at a bar, not the stock exchange. Another trick that speeds things up is passing your money to the people in front of you and asking them to order for you. It's also a decent way to meet people and start a conversation.
Customers
who try to get my attention by yelling or interrupting me when I'm
with another patron piss me off. I'm sure some bartenders respond to
noisy people just to get rid of them, but the whole time, they'll be
thinking, What an asshole. If you'll never be back at that bar,
yeah, being a nuisance might get you served faster. But in a hip
bar, assholes get treated poorly since we'll happily do without
their business.When you order, act as though you're meeting the host
of a party who has lots of other people to greet. Have cash in hand
and know what you want. If you're not sure, ask to see a list
instead of making me recite it. Even if it's loud, never cup your
hands around your mouth like a bullhorn, because bartenders rely on
lipreading. And please don't use nicknames for drinks: If you say
"JD" instead of Jack Daniel's, I might think you said
"JB" and serve you a Jim Beam by mistake. When you order,
be specific. If one guy asks for a martini and another asks for a
Ketel One vodka martini, I'll be more attentive to the second guy
since he's probably someone who goes out a lot and will be back.
Also, if you just order "a bourbon," some bartenders grab
the rotgut while others reach for Blanton to hike up your bill.
Good tippers get taken care of first. A good tip is anything over the standard 20 percent. A lousy tip is less than 10 percent. But it all starts with a buck -- if you're getting only one $4 drink, be a sport and round the 80 cents up to a dollar. And if you're at an expensive place, don't think you can get away with tipping less because the drinks are expensive. It's your decision to be there, and your bartender is still depending on that 20 percent. Put my tip on the bar in front of you after you get your change. Don't press it into my hand, because I need to keep them free. Believe me, no matter how busy a bartender is, he notices who left what.
There will always be customers who think, Why should I tip some guy for opening a Bud? But you're not tipping just for that. My job starts two hours before the place opens. I'm hauling cases of beer, squeezing juice, stocking the shelves, and memorizing prices. The next six hours, I'm on my feet doing a mentally exhausting acting job. Then I'm in here cleaning up and cashing out for a couple of hours after the place closes. You know what most of us get paid? Minimum wage. Tips are our salary, and trust me, we work for them.
If
you tip exceptionally well on your first round, say between 20 and
40 percent, I'll remember you as long as you stay. I don't expect
you to keep it up the whole time, but it immediately tells me that
you're someone who knows the deal and wants good service. I'll
respond to that. Last week, a guy left four bucks on a $7 tab. I
appreciated it enough to buy his second round. He tipped well on
that, too, which I also appreciated. When a bartender sends over
complimentary drinks, it's either coming out of his pocket or the
owner's pocket -- otherwise it's stealing. Some people don't realize
it's good manners to tip when you're being comped like that.
By now you get the point: I like a good tip. But leaving me 20 bucks out of nowhere on your first beer isn't a great move. It makes me feel awkward, because I don't know what you want, and it makes you look like an ostentatious dick . . . or a sucker. Don't get me wrong. I'll take your cash, but honestly, you're wasting it. On the other hand, if you come over to me before it gets busy and tell me you're with an important client or you're trying to impress some chick and you don't want to wait, a tip like that goes a lot further. If you seem like a nice guy, I'll be looking for you the whole time you're in my bar -- not the other way around.
-- adapted from Details, September 1999